Grandmothers and the "Good Bowel Movement"

Okay... this blog is not for the faint of heart.  It delves into truly personal matters.  Tina and the kids have heard me share these stories of the exploits of a little boy and his two grandmothers' obsessions with bowel movements.  I don't know if grandmothers still do these sorts of things, but back in my day they did.

Back when I was a kid, both my grandmothers had separate approaches and beliefs regarding good health and a daily bowel movement.  They both believed it was absolutely necessary for the two to mesh. 

My maternal grandmother was quick to advise me and my cousins about the necessity of a "good bowel movement" each day for good health.  With a great emphasis on the word... "good".  I'm not too sure if "good" was a measure of quanity or quality, but I know she always stressed its importance.  If any of us complained about... "feelling bad... or having a sick stomach... or even feeling sick", my grandmother's first standard question was... "Well... have you had a good bowel movement today?" 

Her emphasis on the "good bowel movement" caused me as a young boy to mistakenly associate any illness, accident or tragedy to be related to the participants lack of having a "good bowel movement" recently.  I figured... people involved in a traffic accident must have been on their way to the bathroom and just didn't make it.  Probably anyone with heart trouble, cancer or any serious illness must have really not properly managed their bathroom time in quite a while.  When I heard about airplane crashes, deaths or major catastrophies I imagined these events must have involved some sort of group effort lacking good bowel movements.  In my young mind I could not imagine how tragedies like the sinking of the Titanic or Hindenburg crash could be explained.  When ex-President Eisenhower died during my first grade year, I figured he must have really had some major constipation issues.

The polar opposite of my maternal grandmother's "good bowel movement advice", was my paternal grandmother's frantic hands-on approach to get ahead of any kind of constipation or bowel obstruction.  She was of the old school thinking that elimination is the key to good health.  Little Granny was a small stature of woman, probably never weighed over 75 pounds in her life.  But... do not be fooled by her small size.  Give her the idea that one of her grandchildren had not gone to the bathroom or were constipated... and she immediately went into action.  This was not a fun time for any bold enough to share their discomfort with her.

Before one knew what hit them, Little Granny went into effect like a Nascar pit crew... accessing her hot water bottle, pink hose and what seemed like several gallons of warm sudsy water.  What made things worse... is that Little Granny deputized any and everyone she beleived she needed to help her... Ain't Jo... Ain't Edie (in my family, that woman married to your uncle is known as an "Ain't")... the mailman... someone just visiting... maybe a distant cousin you never met before.  Modesty be damned in her house.  If they could hold a leg or squeeze the hot water bottle, they were drafted into her army against constipation.  With the skill of a plumber or a fireman, Little Granny always manned the hose. Within ten or twenty minutes people you never dreamed of knowing had been made privy (no pun intended) to your most private concerns.  It seemed like she would never stop pumping that warm water.

All I can say is... thank goodness we now have products like Exlax and Fiberall.