The Day I Called Fat Out

Several years back I took the bull by the horns and made a change in my life.  In most blogs or stories this is where the author tells a tear-jerking or inspiring story about how they decided to lose weight, get healthy and improve their life.  Well... this isn't one of those stories. 

This is about the day I called Fat out.

Fat... is that negative little guy that attaches himself to anyone that battles bulge.  Fat has been the enemy of generations of people everywhere in this world (probably except India).  Fat packages and camoflages himself in really neat things like hamburgers, Mexican food, cookies, pies, cakes, soft drinks, beer, beverages vacations, celebrations and a relaxed lifestyle.  Fat is the one you hate to see coming, just like that bully in fifth grade, the obnoxious relative or that boss that can't be satisfied. 

Fat thoroughly enjoys being a pain in the butt for anyone he chooses to pick on.  Fat can attach to your name.  Fat can affect your self confidence.  Fat finds his way into your family photos, church directory, high school yearbook, resume, insurance status, health records, driving record, love life, athletic ability, personal profile and any other places he can sqeeze into. 

For years, Fat has been that asterisk in life that causes snickers from the crowd, belly laughs, mean comments, doctor's scoldings, required buying an extra plane ticket, nicknames, jokes, and being chosen last in PE class.

But not anymore.

Several years back I called Fat out into the street and let him know how life was going to be from now on.  He seemed pretty surprised as I took this action.  I mean... Fat was used to creating havoc in my life, causing disruptions in my wardrobe and laughing about tagging along with me every step.  But on that day, I slapped Fat around, put a boot in his butt and told him to get in line behind me, as well as those other guys that always tag along with me (Short, Average-Looking and Slow).  From now on... Fat worked for me whether he liked it or not.

I guess Fat realized that I was serious about my intentions, because he became one of the best allies I could ever ask for.  Embracing my relationship with Fat immediately made me a funnier person.  When you add Fat into your joke, personal story and experiences... people laugh and associate with you.  They begin to see that Fat caused some pretty hilarious things to happen over the years.

Fat also showed me that he is pretty good at taking up for himself.  By pulling Fat over to my side, he instantly began helping me when mean people tried to claim him for their use.  One day, a tall, very thin older guy I know walked by me and made a comment about how fat I was getting.  Fat immediately jumped into the fray and responded with... "Yeah... he may be fat, but you're so thin and old that one bad case of diarrhea would probably kill you".  The old guy seemed shocked... even stunned that Fat wasn't working for him anymore.  He was also surprised that Fat had the ability to fight back... he paused and soberly said under his breath... "You're probably right!".  Fat found a weigh (ahem... cough... cough) to even out the scales in that conversation.

It didn't take long for Fat to realize that he and I could be good partners.  All Fat needed was a little embracing.  I helped Fat see that he could even bring joy to people's lives.  Fat learned that nothing is funnier than when a fat woman falls down.  He also learned to appreciate the humor in pants ripping, furniture breaking, buttons shooting off, getting stuck in a small car, blocking someone's view or making the biggest splash in the swimming pool.  Then I showed Fat that he did contribute to our society by shading the sun off a small child or pet, blocking for a quarterback, giving really great hugs... and providing a necessary resource for anyone going through cancer treatment.

Fat leaned back and realized that he was needed.  Fat didn't have to be the torment of everyone, anymore.  A tear ran down Fat's cheek.  He began to see that he mattered, too.

So... when you see a fat person coming your way, don't take it for granted that you can pick on that person.  If they have Fat on their side instead of yours... well... you might be in for some trouble.  Fat is one mean son-of-a gun, and if he ever decides to unite his efforts and run for office on the Fat Ticket... well... let's just acknowledge he has lots of support.

Come on, Fat... let's go get something to eat.